Fighting the Trump Apostasy One Blog At A Time



Lust Part One or Porn the Cyber Succubus

For those who expect me to speak about Trump, you have to wait. There is enough to talk about him and his sexual sins and the hypocrisy of those who condemn married homosexuals while supporting a thrice married man who bragged about committing adultery and paid off porn stars so they would not talk during an election year. That is the topic of my next blog. This blog may be all over the place and for that I apologize.

This one is about me and society. As I said in my previous blog, lust is one of the strongest sins within me a close second to sloth. I have struggled with lust ever since puberty when I found my father’s porn stash. I believe every generation Xer had a father who had a porn stash and their first dealings with sex came from a Playboy, a Penthouse, or a Hustler magazine. Now it is completely different there are videos of things we could never have thought of in our wildest dreams.

There has only been one significant period of time that I didn’t use visual porn. I became a Christian on September 29th 2008. I lasted until June of the following year. Looking back I don’t know how I did it. When one becomes a Christian you are so in love with God and the idea that you completely change but bad habits do have a way of creeping back into your life. First with pictures then with videos. And things have just gotten worse since.

Sin turn things all twisted. Sexual desire is a healthy and fun thing when in a healthy loving relationship but lust twists it. Sex is a commodity. Sex becomes using someone for your own pleasure not a shared fulfilling and fun experience. Sometimes it is people using each other to feel some sort of connection, to fill some sort of need. For me it fills the hole of loneliness.

Many people with depression and anxiety self medicate with drugs and alcohol, I sometimes self medicate with pornography. What I am looking for is the intimacy. And while using feels good physically and even gives me a rush emotionally, mentally and spiritually i am drained afterwards. Someone once said “if you can’t eat from the banquet you will eat from the trash.”

There are hundreds of channels on Pornhub catering to every fantasy or fetish. The most popular fetish is “stepmother/stepson” and “stepbrother/stepdaughter”. This reminds me of Leviticus 18

Almost every act described can be found on pornhub barring bestiality and the sacrificing of children to Moloch. Gay for pay or straight girls having sex with girls and straight guys having sex with guys is just a modern version of the temple prostitutes of old. Except people are doing it for the god of money and a wealthy lifestyle instead of Asarte or Bal.

I have checked out almost every channel they have and I feel disgusted with myself afterwards. Many of these channels have videos that are abusive and borderline criminal. One of the things that prevents me from going back is the thought that this is someone’s daughter, sister, or wife. The porn industry swallows and spits out young women and men leaving them destroyed.

I watched Hot Girls Wanted both the movie and the series on Netflix. It shows the truth of pornography about how this happens. How young women go to California or Florida seduced by the idea of money and say that they will just do solo or girl-girl but that they never will do boy-girl. But eventually the money runs out and they do decide to do boy-girl and infections, STDs and drug use ensues.

I try to quit and I keep coming back. I don’t understand the business model for pornhub and the other sites. You don’t have to pay for porn. Where are they getting their profits from? Advertising? I haven’t had to pay for porn. When you don’t have to pay for it with cash it is very easy to get addicted.

Satan uses sin one out of two ways. He gets you to accept it and think that there is nothing wrong with it or he fills you with guilt so much that you get trapped in your sins and you become no good for yourself or for God’s Kingdom.

There was the myth of the Succubus a demonic creature that would seduce men and rob them of all their energy and will and then their life. Pornography is a cyber Succubus that twists the way we view sexuality. Instead of having loving committed growing relationships it makes us shells of human beings, This is primarily true with teenagers.

Many people believe that internet pornography is a danger, in fact there is a great Facebook group called Pornography the New Drug that shows the damage porn does to young minds, love, and the brain. Studies have shown that hardcore pornography has the same effect on the pleasure centers of the brain that heroin has. I do feel like a hypocrite attacking the very thing that I partake in. But I must be open about my struggles.

I have made video blogs about this topic before, I lost a girlfriend because of my porn use. I am not for banning porn, you ban porn and it will just go underground and will be part of the criminal element. I am for legalizing and regulating prostitution for that very reason. But when it comes to internet porn, there has to be a way to prevent impressionable minds from accessing it. Even if you just have to pay $1.00 to access the now free stuff. A child would have to steal their parents’ credit card and when the statement comes due there will be hell to pay.

If a gas station owner sold pornographic magazines and had them on the bottom shelf and took it out of the bag so any child could peruse it, they would be arrested for corrupting a minor. This is the same thing that the major porn sites do. I don’t know why a bunch of States Attorney Generals sue them for corrupting minors. Force them to make it so before looking at video #1 you have to pay something.

This was not an easy blog to write. I am putting myself out there. Like I said, I have watched all kind of videos. I think the guilt from this sexual sin keeps me from speaking out for God’s Kingdom. If God gave me a prophetic voice, how can I speak against injustice, hypocrisy, and sin when I myself am caught in the web of it. I think that guilt helped feed into the sloth of not writing or speaking out.

I have tried to practice the concept of harm prevention. I am very good at list making I have made a scale based on the harm of internet pornography both visual and written.

LUST LEVEL 5 exploitative pornography. Most of pornography fit this bill. Stepmother/stepson, any kind of step incest, teachers exploiting sexy students who need “extra credit”, any videos where the girl is choked, spat upon teased, or just used as a sex object where there is no love, no intimacy just raw lust.

LUST LEVEL 4. Is exploitative written erotica. This is fiction. There are many erotica sites online. I think they are better than videos in one way because no human beings are involved. It is all fiction. But they can also be worse because in stories you can cover things that you may not be able to film.

LUST LEVEL 3 there are some “ethical erotica” sites. Some people may argue that there is no such thing as ethical pornography. But there are some hardcore sites where the storylines while being hardcore are not exploitative and are with willing partners where both the man and the woman are enjoying themselves. Now this is not ideal but this is better than levels 5 or 4

LUST LEVEL 2 these are written stories about loving couples where there is unmarried sex but it is not exploitative. There are no power games, there are no storylines involving teachers/students, mind control, step incest. Yes these stories involve unmarried couples having sexual relations and this is still indulging my sin but not as bad as Levels 5 or 4 and there are no human beings involved as in level 3.

LUST LEVEL 1 stories about erotic married couples. There is a genre of hot monogamy erotica on the net. When I am reading these stories and yes getting release, I imagine I am in that loving relationship. It is not envy but fantasy about a future time where I have a wife who I can devote all my sexual energy to her and she me. This level is hard because it is like replacing heroin with sugar. And the way addiction works your brain gets programmed that you need harder stuff to get the same release.

LUST LEVEL 0 No pornography and no erotica. No masturbation at all. I do not think that this is feasible at this time. If I was in a stable romantic relationship, yes. But because I am not now in one I am going to try to steal toward levels 1 and 2 and never indulge with levels 5 and 4

Some conservative Christians may say that this is compromising with the flesh. Maybe it is but I also know that while some people have their sins conquered all at once. With some people the Holy Spirit takes more time. And if I can go 40 days without accessing levels 4 or 5 I would consider that a victory and I know that I am not going to be able to do it without God.

There are three ways to deal with lust. I call them the three Rs. The first R is release. Just do it. If it feels good. It’s not harming anyone. I think this leads to guilt and a hollow love life and a broken relationship with God. The second R is repress. This is even worst than the first one. When you repress that sexual energy has to go somewhere and usually the one repressing ends up having an affair with their staffer, getting caught with a man in a Men’s room in the Utah airport, or end up with naked pictures of them and a pool boy. The best R is Resolve. Knowing that you are a sexual being and there is nothing wrong with that but you have to resolve to use it in a safe loving committed way.

I don’t understand adultery. If you have someone who loves you, I don’t understand how you can break that trust. Maybe it’s because I have never been in a serious relationship. Having a serious romantic relationship when struggling with anxiety and depression can be very difficult. It if I am ever blessed to find a woman who loves me and I can share my life with, I pray that I would be able to kick the porn habit and never ever cheat on her with another woman. Adultery is betrayal. A betrayal of your spouse, using the other person and if that person is married, a betrayal of their spouse.

There is a thing called #nopornovember basically a challenge to give up pornography for the month of November. I am going to participate in it. At the end of my blogs I will post how long it has been since I have been at each lust level. If you want to participate please do because people giving each other support helps us at this task. I am using the APP Quit It.

Level 5 6 days 5 hours Lust Level 4 4 days 5 hours

The Sin of Sloth or I Will Blog About It Later

Four things you have to know about me. #1 I suffer from anxiety and depression almost crippling at times. #2 I am a Christian who believes that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life and that He is my strength even when I am weak. #3 I am weak a lot. #4 I am also lazy.

I pay one hundred dollars for a WordPress account and noticed that I didn’t post in more than half a year. That is just lazy. Although that is quite simplistic. Sloth is more than laziness.

Sloth is from the Latin word acedia. This is a description of sloth I found on Wikipidea. “Mentally, acedia, has a number of distinctive components of which the most important is affectlessness, a lack of any feeling about self or other, a mind-state that gives rise to boredom, rancor, apathy, and a passive inert or sluggish mentation”. That is a mouthful.

Basically sloth is a mindset that prevents you from doing what God put you on earth to do. Sloth keeps you from doing what you want to do. It is like a spiritual depression that makes you only want to watch reruns of the Goldbergs. You know you should do something else but you don’t really care. You make excuses not to do them.

I am a man of many dreams. I want to create a non profit Generation Now that will help fight stigma against mental illness among youth using social media, benefit shows, and performing arts clubs. I know that I should do things to make this happen. I should actively take part in the Facebook group. I should write to the National NAMI (National alliance for the mentally ill” headquarters, Active Minds, Always Keep Fighting and other groups that fight mental illness stigma to see if I could get help or support.

I want to write to celebrities like Supernatural’s Jared Padalecki or The Good Place’s Kristen Bell to see if I may get their support. But fear of rejection makes me go back to the TV, Facebook, or playing Simpsons Tapped Out.

I also am a struggling writer. Like an absent minded professor I have about a dozen partly written screenplays, short stories, or novels. I would say half written but that would be too generous. I just can’t get the energy to write. I know that I am talented but the thoughts come to me. “Why bother, I won’t succeed so why put the energy into it.”

I know I am not the only one who has dreams but lets inertia, apathy, and fear get in my way. Imagine what the world would be like if we actually followed our dreams with full gusto and allowed the Holy Spirit to give us wind to our sails.

That goes to my spiritual life. I do believe that God has given me a gift to speak out against corruption, hypocrisy, and against the religious right who have made a mockery of the Church that Christ created. But yet I don’t. I get overwhelmed by the madness that Trump has set loose in our nation. So I don’t blog, I don’t make my video blogs. Or I do and get no traction and I decide to give up.

In this series on the seven deadly sins I will discuss how they affect me and our president. Our president is a man of many sins. We all sin, don’t get me wrong. But when I sin, it affects my relationship with Jesus and maybe one or a few others. When Trump sins it affects millions. But a true follower of a Christ recognizes when they sin, repent, and try to be better. Even if we fall a thousand times, we recognize it, we apologize and we try again. Trump hasn’t repented once. His fruit is as rotten now as it was when he made his announcement that he was going to run for president.

As I said, Trump is a man of many sins. My worst and most active sins, pardon the pun, are lust and sloth. I don’t believe Trump suffers from sloth. If anything he is too active. He does too much. If pride is one extreme I think sloth is the other. It is an inertia filled with self loathing, apathy, and passive fear.

I am sick of letting my sloth keep me down. I am a child of the living God. He has given me talents that I don’t use. And if you don’t use them, you lose them. You get rusty and that is what makes sloth such a tenacious sin.

That is why I need discipline, no blog gets any traction if you only post once every four months. I have to post whether I feel like it or I don’t. If inspiration hits me, I have to get on my iPad and start typing.

This is a Christian blog so I think I will end with some scripture.

Matthew 25 (NIV)

14 “Again, it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his wealth to them. 15 To one he gave five bags of gold, to another two bags, and to another one bag,[a] each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. 16 The man who had received five bags of gold went at once and put his money to work and gained five bags more. 17 So also, the one with two bags of gold gained two more. 18 But the man who had received one bag went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master’s money.

19 “After a long time the master of those servants returned and settled accounts with them. 20 The man who had received five bags of gold brought the other five. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘you entrusted me with five bags of gold. See, I have gained five more.’

21 “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’

22 “The man with two bags of gold also came. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘you entrusted me with two bags of gold; see, I have gained two more.’

23 “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’

24 “Then the man who had received one bag of gold came. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. 25 So I was afraid and went out and hid your gold in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.’

26 “His master replied, ‘You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? 27 Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest.

28 “‘So take the bag of gold from him and give it to the one who has ten bags. 29 For whoever has will be given more, and they will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them. 30 And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Yes the wicked servant acted as much out of fear than sloth but that is why sloth is such an invasive sin, it prevents you from doing a God’s work and as Jesus is basically saying here “if you don’t use it you lose it”. The Holy Spirit gives us all gifts but we have to use them, we have to follow the path that God gave us to the best of our abilities, and the more you do, the more energy and passion and talent God will give you.

God Bless you guys my next blog will be about Lust and will probably be the most personal and hardest blog I have ever written.

Blog at

Up ↑