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Fighting the Trump Apostasy One Blog At A Time

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Lust Part One or Porn the Cyber Succubus

For those who expect me to speak about Trump, you have to wait. There is enough to talk about him and his sexual sins and the hypocrisy of those who condemn married homosexuals while supporting a thrice married man who bragged about committing adultery and paid off porn stars so they would not talk during an election year. That is the topic of my next blog. This blog may be all over the place and for that I apologize.

This one is about me and society. As I said in my previous blog, lust is one of the strongest sins within me a close second to sloth. I have struggled with lust ever since puberty when I found my father’s porn stash. I believe every generation Xer had a father who had a porn stash and their first dealings with sex came from a Playboy, a Penthouse, or a Hustler magazine. Now it is completely different there are videos of things we could never have thought of in our wildest dreams.

There has only been one significant period of time that I didn’t use visual porn. I became a Christian on September 29th 2008. I lasted until June of the following year. Looking back I don’t know how I did it. When one becomes a Christian you are so in love with God and the idea that you completely change but bad habits do have a way of creeping back into your life. First with pictures then with videos. And things have just gotten worse since.

Sin turn things all twisted. Sexual desire is a healthy and fun thing when in a healthy loving relationship but lust twists it. Sex is a commodity. Sex becomes using someone for your own pleasure not a shared fulfilling and fun experience. Sometimes it is people using each other to feel some sort of connection, to fill some sort of need. For me it fills the hole of loneliness.

Many people with depression and anxiety self medicate with drugs and alcohol, I sometimes self medicate with pornography. What I am looking for is the intimacy. And while using feels good physically and even gives me a rush emotionally, mentally and spiritually i am drained afterwards. Someone once said “if you can’t eat from the banquet you will eat from the trash.”

There are hundreds of channels on Pornhub catering to every fantasy or fetish. The most popular fetish is “stepmother/stepson” and “stepbrother/stepdaughter”. This reminds me of Leviticus 18 https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Leviticus+18&version=NIV

Almost every act described can be found on pornhub barring bestiality and the sacrificing of children to Moloch. Gay for pay or straight girls having sex with girls and straight guys having sex with guys is just a modern version of the temple prostitutes of old. Except people are doing it for the god of money and a wealthy lifestyle instead of Asarte or Bal.

I have checked out almost every channel they have and I feel disgusted with myself afterwards. Many of these channels have videos that are abusive and borderline criminal. One of the things that prevents me from going back is the thought that this is someone’s daughter, sister, or wife. The porn industry swallows and spits out young women and men leaving them destroyed.

I watched Hot Girls Wanted both the movie and the series on Netflix. It shows the truth of pornography about how this happens. How young women go to California or Florida seduced by the idea of money and say that they will just do solo or girl-girl but that they never will do boy-girl. But eventually the money runs out and they do decide to do boy-girl and infections, STDs and drug use ensues.

I try to quit and I keep coming back. I don’t understand the business model for pornhub and the other sites. You don’t have to pay for porn. Where are they getting their profits from? Advertising? I haven’t had to pay for porn. When you don’t have to pay for it with cash it is very easy to get addicted.

Satan uses sin one out of two ways. He gets you to accept it and think that there is nothing wrong with it or he fills you with guilt so much that you get trapped in your sins and you become no good for yourself or for God’s Kingdom.

There was the myth of the Succubus a demonic creature that would seduce men and rob them of all their energy and will and then their life. Pornography is a cyber Succubus that twists the way we view sexuality. Instead of having loving committed growing relationships it makes us shells of human beings, This is primarily true with teenagers. https://www.bostonmagazine.com/news/2018/05/08/porn-effect-on-kids/

https://www.medpagetoday.com/tedmed/tedmed/82822

Many people believe that internet pornography is a danger, in fact there is a great Facebook group called Pornography the New Drug that shows the damage porn does to young minds, love, and the brain. Studies have shown that hardcore pornography has the same effect on the pleasure centers of the brain that heroin has. I do feel like a hypocrite attacking the very thing that I partake in. But I must be open about my struggles.

I have made video blogs about this topic before, I lost a girlfriend because of my porn use. I am not for banning porn, you ban porn and it will just go underground and will be part of the criminal element. I am for legalizing and regulating prostitution for that very reason. But when it comes to internet porn, there has to be a way to prevent impressionable minds from accessing it. Even if you just have to pay $1.00 to access the now free stuff. A child would have to steal their parents’ credit card and when the statement comes due there will be hell to pay.

If a gas station owner sold pornographic magazines and had them on the bottom shelf and took it out of the bag so any child could peruse it, they would be arrested for corrupting a minor. This is the same thing that the major porn sites do. I don’t know why a bunch of States Attorney Generals sue them for corrupting minors. Force them to make it so before looking at video #1 you have to pay something.

This was not an easy blog to write. I am putting myself out there. Like I said, I have watched all kind of videos. I think the guilt from this sexual sin keeps me from speaking out for God’s Kingdom. If God gave me a prophetic voice, how can I speak against injustice, hypocrisy, and sin when I myself am caught in the web of it. I think that guilt helped feed into the sloth of not writing or speaking out.

I have tried to practice the concept of harm prevention. I am very good at list making I have made a scale based on the harm of internet pornography both visual and written.

LUST LEVEL 5 exploitative pornography. Most of pornography fit this bill. Stepmother/stepson, any kind of step incest, teachers exploiting sexy students who need “extra credit”, any videos where the girl is choked, spat upon teased, or just used as a sex object where there is no love, no intimacy just raw lust.

LUST LEVEL 4. Is exploitative written erotica. This is fiction. There are many erotica sites online. I think they are better than videos in one way because no human beings are involved. It is all fiction. But they can also be worse because in stories you can cover things that you may not be able to film.

LUST LEVEL 3 there are some “ethical erotica” sites. Some people may argue that there is no such thing as ethical pornography. But there are some hardcore sites where the storylines while being hardcore are not exploitative and are with willing partners where both the man and the woman are enjoying themselves. Now this is not ideal but this is better than levels 5 or 4

LUST LEVEL 2 these are written stories about loving couples where there is unmarried sex but it is not exploitative. There are no power games, there are no storylines involving teachers/students, mind control, step incest. Yes these stories involve unmarried couples having sexual relations and this is still indulging my sin but not as bad as Levels 5 or 4 and there are no human beings involved as in level 3.

LUST LEVEL 1 stories about erotic married couples. There is a genre of hot monogamy erotica on the net. When I am reading these stories and yes getting release, I imagine I am in that loving relationship. It is not envy but fantasy about a future time where I have a wife who I can devote all my sexual energy to her and she me. This level is hard because it is like replacing heroin with sugar. And the way addiction works your brain gets programmed that you need harder stuff to get the same release.

LUST LEVEL 0 No pornography and no erotica. No masturbation at all. I do not think that this is feasible at this time. If I was in a stable romantic relationship, yes. But because I am not now in one I am going to try to steal toward levels 1 and 2 and never indulge with levels 5 and 4

Some conservative Christians may say that this is compromising with the flesh. Maybe it is but I also know that while some people have their sins conquered all at once. With some people the Holy Spirit takes more time. And if I can go 40 days without accessing levels 4 or 5 I would consider that a victory and I know that I am not going to be able to do it without God.

There are three ways to deal with lust. I call them the three Rs. The first R is release. Just do it. If it feels good. It’s not harming anyone. I think this leads to guilt and a hollow love life and a broken relationship with God. The second R is repress. This is even worst than the first one. When you repress that sexual energy has to go somewhere and usually the one repressing ends up having an affair with their staffer, getting caught with a man in a Men’s room in the Utah airport, or end up with naked pictures of them and a pool boy. The best R is Resolve. Knowing that you are a sexual being and there is nothing wrong with that but you have to resolve to use it in a safe loving committed way.

I don’t understand adultery. If you have someone who loves you, I don’t understand how you can break that trust. Maybe it’s because I have never been in a serious relationship. Having a serious romantic relationship when struggling with anxiety and depression can be very difficult. It if I am ever blessed to find a woman who loves me and I can share my life with, I pray that I would be able to kick the porn habit and never ever cheat on her with another woman. Adultery is betrayal. A betrayal of your spouse, using the other person and if that person is married, a betrayal of their spouse.

There is a thing called #nopornovember basically a challenge to give up pornography for the month of November. I am going to participate in it. At the end of my blogs I will post how long it has been since I have been at each lust level. If you want to participate please do because people giving each other support helps us at this task. I am using the APP Quit It.

Level 5 6 days 5 hours Lust Level 4 4 days 5 hours

Of Porn and Politics Matthew 5:27-31 Part 1

I read Matthew 5:27-28  27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman with lust  has already committed adultery with her in his heart.      and Matthew 5:31-32
31 “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery

I was going to use these verses to attack Trump on his three wives, on his adulteries, and on his divorces. But I can’t. I can’t judge him on sexual morality. We all have our moral lapses and we can not judge someone for a sin that we are committing. So before I go into how Trump’s sexual history is as unChristian as you can get. And before I get into the hypocrisy of those Christians supporting Him. I have to come clean myself.

This will be kind of rambling but I write as I think. I have a problem with Porn. I am not alone. A Barna Group study found that almost two thirds of men watch porn at least once a month. One third of all Christian men view it daily. I am one of those men. This blog is about my history. How I got to where I am and my views of porn.

I guess it all started when I was in middle school and I found my dad’s porn stash of Playboys,Penthouses, and Hustlers. When I was a kid you had to be very sneaky to look at what now is very tame. Today kids the same age see all kinds of sex acts with just a click of a mouse.

I think the addiction got strong in High School. I was not a popular kid. Having a moderate mental illness, not athletic, or handsome the girls either ignored or mocked me. The girls in the magazines would not ignore me, they would not mock me. The fantasies made me feel more like a man. I think that is why Barely Legal style porn is so popular. That is the most popular style. I think that makes sense. You fantasize about the girl that got away or that you still have what it takes to land a girl like that.

But while in my fantasies I was a ladies man in real life I didn’t date. Porn actually made it harder for me to socialize with females. It is so much easier for someone with social anxiety to read a magazine or watch a video and put yourself in the man’s place than interacting with real live girls.

At one time, my OCD got involved and I bought one of every porn magazine that I could find. I threw away my collection once I became a Christian.

After I was born again in 2008. I threw all my porn away and deleted all the pictures and videos off my computer. I was good for a couple months. I didn’t even read erotic stories.  From September 2008 to June of 2009 I didn’t see a naked body. I don’t know what happened then but I slipped. It started just being still pictures and then videos.

My computer crashed once and I couldn’t restart it and I prayed and told God that  I wouldn’t look at any porn or read any erotica if he would restore my computer. My computer was restored but my vow lasted only a month.

This is the number one thing that gets between me and God. I wonder why he can’t fix me. The devilish voice in my ear says either “there is no God. If there was He would cure you” or “He has abandoned you. You are a reprobate who only thinks he is saved”.

I know the truth is that I am a child of God who is still a sinner that is saved by Grace.

I look at the videos I watch. And they are deeply sinful. With an addiction you have to watch stronger and stronger stuff. There are hundreds of tags on a site like Thumbzilla. These are just a few. Arrested 229 videos, blackmail 485,exploitedblackteens 47, gagging 946, and public disgrace 889 videos.  These are a far cry from the magazines in the box dad kept in his study.

This is one thing I don’t understand about Internet porn. All 2796 videos I listed above are free and easy to access. WHAT IS THEIR BUSINESS MODEL??? I’m sorry but do people pay for porn anymore? I wonder why they are in business. Probably advertisements for hookup sites and penis enhancement thingies. I haven’t had to pay for porn in years. There is something wrong here.

And again, I want to go back to 12 year old Max. 12 year old Max wasn’t able to buy porn magazines or VHSs, yes I am that old. Porn magazines were either behind the counter or wrapped in plastic so young Max wouldn’t be able to read them. There are laws that force retailers to do that. There are no such laws on the Internet.

I am not anti-sex. I am not anti erotica. I know that in this world that we can’t make porn illegal. Even if we could I wouldn’t because it would just push it further underground. But is it too much to ask that these sites make you pay for each video you see. Even if it is just a quarter. You would need to use a credit card to see the video. And if a kid borrowed his parents credit card there would be hell to pay when the bill comes due.

This is common sense. Sometimes I think that this is all a conspiracy to cheapen the way we value each other. That the big porn sites know what they are doing. They are doing what the Tobacco companies knew. “Get them while they are young”.

Anyway if I didn’t mention this while speaking up against the sexual immorality and the hypocrisy of Donald Trump and the religious right. I would be in the wrong.

 

 

 

 

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